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I love you I love you I love you I love you.

These words don’t make my wounds disappear,

but they do help my heart beat.

Passing in a Fraternity

I am a junior currently at the University of Connecticut.  Tonight my fraternity honored the members that were graduating with their various degrees and moving on with their lives.  I  did some self reflection as I saw them say their good byes….Here’s what I came up with:

I really need to start allowing myself to have fun.  I sort of have this pseudo-permission complex, which is where I never really give myself the OK to do something.  This proliferates into extreme guilt that is so gut wrenching, depressing, and nauseating that I usually end up having nervous break downs.  I really need to calm the fuck down, live life, and let things be.  I need to keep it PLUR….because in reality, there are way worse things that I could be doing with my time that most people have no guilt about (drinking/doing drugs all the time, disrespecting women/property/friendships, etc.)  I guess I’m not that bad of a guy after all…

I am absolutely positively the most happy with my relationship.  One of the brothers said that being in love with his girl friend for six years with all of the lows and highs that are associated with this relationship was and is the best part of his life.  This brother also stated that making sacrifices for something bigger than yourself is an experience that makes life meaningful, and I couldn’t agree with him more.  I’ve only been with Emma for three and a half years (almost four).  I say only because in the grand scheme of things I hope that this number is microscopic relative to the future numbers I hope to accumulate. Have I sacrificed a lot? I mean, I wouldn’t say I’ve really sacrificed much…some of my brothers think that me dating a lady as incredible as Emma is absurd because “WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO BE WIFED UP WHEN YOU CAN CRUSH PUSS LIKE A REAL FRAT STAR!”  My response to this is always: Why would you not want to experience true love?  In my philosophy class we are studying the meaning of life.  I think the meaning of life is to experience love.  Love is the accumulation of every emotion experienced, and if it is shared between two people, it is what delivers meaning to both individual lives.  If you ask me, being in love with Emma Hannan is priceless.  I would do anything for that girl.

I’m tired and starting to ramble.  Self reflection is important, though.


I really need to go on Tumblr more often

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True life.

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A scene from Zach Braff’s Garden State.  Fun fact — ‘Tim’ (not pictured) is played by The Big Bang Theory’s very own Jim Parsons. 

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I see I haven’t been on this for over a month and it sort of makes me sad, so here goes a little rant to try and make up for the loss of time.

I don’t know where I have been over the past month. Up and down, then back up again.  Electric Zoo was unbelievable, and I am so glad I got to spend it with my lovely lady.  It mentally probably set me back a good 6 months to a year, but I am okay with that.  The euphoria that boiled in my veins and lifted me with every bass drop was totally worth it.  I know I, personally, can make myself that happy.  It was a journey that I wanted to take.  Well worth it.

Lately I haven’t been wanting to do anything.  It sort of is counterintuitive when I seem to be thinking all the time about how under accomplished I am.  Idk….I don’t know where I want to be in life at this point, but I guess looking back on it I have lived an eventful lifestyle that has made somewhat of an impact on my friends, family, and little parts of the world.

Where to now? Well, my next step is to take my research a little bit further and more serious.  I am applying to something called University Scholar, which is suppose to be the most prestigious honor a student can receive while studying at UConn.  It’s basically like a “mini-PhD” program.  I’m kinda stoked about it, and I feel like it can really allow me to take my studies and research more serious, think about science in a more creative way, and foster a unique breed of intellect that will allow me to become a better and more fulfilled student and human.

I am also meeting tomorrow with the director from the office of national scholarships here at UConn…maybe I can see if my academics are worth some scholarship cash flow as well as a nice prestigious name that I can put on my CV.  That sounds shallow, but I mean lets be honest….no one applies to a scholarship with the idea in mind that they are going to “BETTER HUMANITY!” by being awarded a $30K scholarship in the name of one of the top 25 smartest men/women in our country’s history.  But I guess it could help me get into a medical school and/or graduate program that could assist in my dream of BETTERING HUMANITY!

Humanists rule.

Speaking of humanity, I have been meaning to work on starting up the UConn organization for Operation Unisson, Inc.  Seeing as I am the Outreach Coordinator, getting started on this would probably be good.  I guess I am a little intimidated by the size of this project.  Building a school entirely out of recyclable bottles in the middle of Haiti isn’t really the easiest thing to do (LOGISTICS LOGISTICS LOGISTICS!), but I am certain that with the help of my organization and the leadership of the founder we can make this happen.

I just really need to find the motivation.

Also, reality just hit me.  A fraternity (although amazing short term) is not going to get me where I want it to take me.  I will maintain my involvement, I will go to parties with my wonderful woman, but that is where I draw the line for my involvement.  I would rather read books….something I have been dying to do for a while now….than help my brothers find jobs paying them six figures right out of school.

Also, EDM is a lifestyle.

Peace, I’m tired and still have orgo to do.

Serotonin: makin me happy